


Still Alive

by BeccaAnne814



Series: Bucky Barnes x Reader Series [7]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Building collapses, Death, F/M, Fighting, Fire, Knives, Mentions of Death, PG-13 sexual situations, Poisoning, References to Torture, Shooting, Suspense, Torture, cursing, references to violence, smoke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 10:04:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11484093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeccaAnne814/pseuds/BeccaAnne814
Summary: Bucky is struggling to adapt to life in the Avengers Tower and you aren't making things any easier on him. Based off of 3 Doors Down'sStill Alive.





	1. Chapter 1

"I don't think this is such a great idea Steve," Bucky whispered as he surveyed the room full of wary faces.  T'Challa's team had only finished wiping the trigger words from his mind a few days ago, and he was still a bit edgy from the experience.  That, coupled with the fact that he was now facing some of the very people he'd been fighting against a few months ago, was making him feel even less at ease.

Steve slapped a hand over his shoulder and gave him the eyebrows of disappointment.  "It'll take some time, but you'll see Buck, these guys are the best.  Before you know it you'll feel as though you've always been a part of the team."

He was listening to the words Steve was saying, but he was also reading the expressions on the faces before him.  Half of the room was full of people he had fought alongside at the airport in Germany.  Those weren't the ones he was worried about.  It was the other half of the room that had him on pins and needles.

Stark looked like he was either going to be sick or murder him – maybe both.  Colonel Rhodes was glaring at him from his wheelchair by the window.  The purple thing had the same look on its face that his mom used to get when he got caught doing something wrong.  Romanoff kept looking at him like she was waiting for him to say something.  The spider-kid – he couldn't remember his name – was the only one who looked happy to see him.  The kid had a gleam in his eye as he stared down his left arm.  Bucky instinctively shifted his arm to hide it behind his back.  The last thing he needed was for the kid to start peppering him with questions and trying to take the damn thing apart.

Then there was (Y/N).  Steve had told him that Stark had recruited someone new to the team since most of them had been in Wakanda, hiding from Ross.  Steve didn't know much about her, but one thing was certain, she had one hell of a poker face.  He was usually good at reading people, but she kept her face blank and her emotions well-guarded as she silently observed him from across the room.  Out of all of the people here, he figured she was going to be the one he needed to watch out for the most. 

 

_I don't show my feelings_

_I don't tend to wear them well_

_But I own the scars that show_

_And they've got a story to tell_

_I bite my lip and walk away_

_When I know what I should say_

_There's so much on my mind_

_But you don't want to hear it_

_If you could see me on the other side_

_You might find me fighting for my life_

_But I'm still alive_

 

Streams of sweat ran down sides of his face and the few tendrils of hair that had escaped the hair tie were plastered to the back of his neck as he vented all of his frustrations on the punching bag hanging from the ceiling in the corner of the weight room.  He knew he should be sleeping, but the memories of his last mission kept running through his mind on a continuous loop.  

He had spent the past few months slowly easing his way into the team.  Vision and Natasha had been the first to accept him as a member of the team.  He still avoided Peter at all costs – he hated the look of disappointment on the kid's face when he repeatedly told him that under no circumstances was he going to let some kid take apart his arm to see how it worked.  T'Challa's engineers had spent months perfecting the new design and some wet-behind-the-ears punk from Queens wasn't going to screw it up.

Stark and Rhodey had been reluctant to trust him at first, but with Wanda's help, he'd been able to retrieve memories of secret Hydra facilities.  He hated the fear and sadness that clouded her eyes after she delved deep into subconscious, but even he had to admit that the information locked away in his mind had been paramount in bringing Hydra to its knees.  The two men had begrudgingly accepted that he was an asset that they couldn't afford not to use.  Stark had even helped to repair his arm on a few occasions – awkwardly silent occasions that neither one liked to talk about afterward.

None of them were the reason why he was in the gym at two in the morning.  That honor rested solely on the shoulders of one (Y/N) (Y/L/N).  He'd never in his entire life met a woman that he couldn't turn to putty in his hands, but for the life of him, he couldn't break through her ironclad shell.  Granted, he wasn't exactly the same suave ladies man he'd been in the 40s, but he liked to think he still knew how to talk to a woman.  

He'd done as much research into her background as he could, but it was though she hadn't existed before a few years ago.  Every file dated before 2013 was so heavily redacted that the only words that remained on the paper were the and a.  

He'd eventually given up trying to befriend her and instead worked on creating an amicable working relationship.  He thought he'd at least accomplished that goal until yesterday.  It had been a routine mission to take out a Hydra base buried deep within the mountains of Eastern Europe.  Stark had sent in a small team – him, Steve, (Y/N), and Natasha.  The four of them were supposed to infiltrate the base, gather what intel they could, and then wipe it off the map.

Things went downhill before they even landed the Quinjet.  What was supposed to have been a small outpost with a few guards turned out to be a large underground facility crawling with Hydra operatives.  The jet took a few hits before he was able to take out the gun tower camouflaged in the side of the mountain.  The four of them hadn't intended on splitting up, but once they were on the ground, there'd been no choice in the matter.  He'd ended up with (Y/N) as they raced through the maze of corridors looking for the server banks, taking out anyone that stood between them and their goal.

They'd each taken a few hits, but nothing life-threatening.  He'd stood in the open door of the cargo hold, watching the bright red and yellow flames of the explosion flicker against the stark white of the snow on the mountains, as Natasha bandaged (Y/N)'s shoulder.  The Hydra operative had been aiming for her heart, but her quick reflexes had saved her from the fatal blow.  She hadn't been quick enough to dodge the knife completely and he could feel her eyes boring into his back, the full weight of his guilt making it impossible to face any of the team.

Once they were back at the Tower, (Y/N) had been quick to lay the blame on him, citing his faulty intelligence for them essentially walking into a death trap.  There were so many things he'd wanted to say, but he knew that nothing he said would make any difference to her.  She wouldn't care that it'd been over twenty years since he'd been to that particular outpost and there was no reason for him to know that they'd expanded the base into the mountain itself.  She wouldn't care that he felt personally responsible for each and every cut and bruise that marred the skin of his teammates.  She wouldn't care that the guilt was eating him alive.  She just didn't care.

He'd stood in the briefing room while every eye had been focused on him.  Some were glaring at him accusingly, and others were sympathetic.  It didn't matter.  He'd kept a blank look on his face and offered no explanations or excuses.  Inside, however, he'd been screaming at himself, screaming at Steve.  Why had Steve brought him here?  How could Steve have thought he'd be any good to the team?  How could he have thought that he might be able to right some of the wrongs he'd committed over the last seventy years?  

He'd said nothing, mentally biting his tongue as he walked out of the briefing.  He'd locked himself in his room, trying to block out the voices that continually told him that he was nothing but a tool for destruction, that there was no shred of humanity left in him, that everyone would be better off if he disappeared again.  Eventually, he'd grown tired of his inner dialogue and made his way to the gym in the hopes that pounding away at the punching bag would help drown out the doubt and self-loathing.

 

_This little high we're on_

_It ain't for the weak at heart_

_We've got a role to play_

_And I'm gonna play my part_

_I've felt the stone that burns_

_I've held anger in my hands_

_I threw it all away_

_Cause I never could kill it_

_If you could see me on the other side_

_You might find me fighting for my life_

_But I'm still alive_

 

(Y/N) stood in the doorway of the gym, the shadows hiding her presence from the man in the corner.  She'd been watching him for the past twenty minutes in complete awe as he tore into the punching bag as though his life depended on it.  Judging from he amount of sweat that covered his bare torso, he'd been down here for quite some time, but it didn't look as though he was growing tired.  

She'd tried so hard to distance herself from the former Russian assassin these past few months, but even someone who didn't know him could see that the demons that haunted him were fueling this violent purge.  A wave of guilt passed over her as she acknowledged to herself that she was partly to blame for his torment.  Guilt was what had kept her silent about her past, and guilt was what caused her to lash out at him – to find some reason to blame him for her own inadequacies.  

She knew she hadn't moved, but something had alerted him to her presence.  He'd abruptly stopped his assault on the bag and turned toward the darkened entryway where she lurked.  If his eyes had been full of rage, she would've had no problem revealing herself, but instead his eyes were swimming with grief and pain.  She'd seen those same eyes before, so many years ago.  It pained her to remember him that way – broken and bleeding, hurt and confused.  He hadn't understood what was happening to him – he'd kept asking about the man on the bridge.  Pierce didn't have time to deal with him.  He'd slapped him, gave him some speech about shaping the century, and ordered him back into the machine.

She'd worked for Pierce for years, had been fully briefed on the Winter Soldier, but it wasn't until she actually laid eyes on the asset herself that she saw him for what he truly was.  Pierce had drilled it into her head that he was a tool, an empty shell that only followed orders, but the man sitting in front of her that day was none of those things.  He was a human being and parts of his humanity were still there, locked away deep within his subconscious, struggling to be set free.  She'd seen the tortured animal that Pierce, and those that preceded him, had created.  She'd decided that day that if this was what Hydra was, she wanted no part of it.  In the chaos that ensued following the fall of Project Insight, she'd slipped away and worked on rewriting her own history.  

Following the aftermath of the battle in Germany, she'd felt comfortable approaching Stark.  It never occurred to her that he would welcome in the man who'd haunted her dreams for years.  She'd been terrified that he would remember her from that day in the bank vault, but he'd been too confused to remember who had been there.  Even though she'd had no involvement in the Winter Soldier program herself, she'd still known about it, knew that Captain America's best friend had been turned into a monster.  She'd done nothing about it, had believed the lies that Pierce told her, and the guilt was eating her alive.

Bucky scanned the shadows one last time, shook his head as if to rid himself of his paranoia, and began pounding on the bag again.  (Y/N) waited a few more moments before she quietly crept away, knowing that sleep would evade her again tonight.  Sleepless nights were preferable to the nightmares that plagued her, nightmares where an innocent man was tortured into submission, nightmares where she stood by and watched as his screams echoed off the walls.

 

_If you could see me on the other side_

_You might find me fighting for my life_

_But I'm still alive_


	2. Flashback

_2005_

She concentrated all of her efforts on listening for footsteps in the pitch black of the forest around her, but the blood rushing through her ears from her rapidly beating heart drowned out most the sounds around her.  She closed her eyes and took quiet, deep breaths to help calm her racing heart.  After a few moments, she was able to pick out the sounds of small twigs being snapped.  She quickly deduced that it was a small animal foraging for food and not the much larger one that was hunting her.

She had been in the woods for about an hour if her calculations were correct.  She'd been using the sliver of moon high up in the sky as her reference and she was almost positive she was right.  For the first 30 minutes, she'd been the one hunting her prey, but somehow she'd become the hunted and that was unnerving her.

She had taken cover behind a large outcropping of rocks and was currently crouched with her back against one of the boulders.  Her 9mm was securely wrapped between her hands and nestled into the crook of her shoulder, its barrel pointing up and away from her head.  She wanted to be ready to shoot the moment she was certain her target was in range.

She had left a trail, hoping that they would take the bait and walk right into her trap.  She'd been waiting here for about ten minutes and she was about to give up when she heard the sharp snap of a branch being broken.  Without a moment's hesitation, she sprang from her hiding spot and took her shot.  A scream followed by the sound of a body hitting the leaf-strewn ground told her that her aim had been true.

In the blink of an eye, the forest was gone, as was her felled target, and night turned to day as the lights in the room came back to full power.  "That was expertly done, Ms. (Y/L/N).  Or should I say, 'Agent?'"

The hologram room began to fill with her instructors and classmates as they eagerly rushed forward to congratulate her on passing her final field exam to become an Agent of SHIELD.  The SHIELD Academy of Operations had the most aggressive program of the three divisions, as well as the highest wash-out rate.  Becoming a Field Operative was no easy feat, so everyone loved to celebrate when someone managed to complete the rigorous training.

 

The next few days were spent turning in her training equipment and packing up her dorm room.  (Y/N) had spent the past few years at the Academy and she was sad to say goodbye, but she knew that what waited for her outside of these grounds was what most cadets only dream of.

Her parents had flown in for the graduation ceremony and before she'd had time to really grasp the reality of her new situation, she was sitting amongst her fellow graduates listening to Undersecretary Pierce give the commencement speech.  It wasn't every day that he made an appearance at one of the graduation ceremonies, but today was a special day.

(Y/N) waited for her name to be called, and as she walked toward the stage, the Director of the Academy listed all of the accolades she'd received in her time here.  She was distinguished for earning  Expert Marksmanship and for being top in her class.  It had been her goal to break all of the records that Melinda May had set during her time at the Academy, and she had succeeded in breaking all but two of them.  While not perfect, she was pleased to have made her mark.

Once the ceremony was over, she joined her parents for a round of pictures in the gardens outside the auditorium.  It was a beautiful summer day, the sun shining, and not a single cloud in the sky.  (Y/N) couldn't have asked for better.

Her parents had fussed over her, as all parents do at a graduation ceremony, but they weren't the ones she wanted to hear praise from.  As her dad snapped picture after picture, she kept an eye on the door, hoping to see him walking toward her.

She shouldn't have been surprised when he suddenly appeared behind her.  There was a reason he was the best at what he did.  She only hoped that one day, she'd be as good of an agent as he was.

Her father was the first to notice the newest arrival to their little group. "Undersecretary Pierce. How nice of you to join us."

"Don't be an ass, Robert," Pierce teased her father.  "You know I wouldn't have missed this for the world."

You turned around and walked into the open arms of one of the most powerful men in the world.  "Uncle Alex!  I'm so glad you're here!"


	3. Chapter 3

_Previously:_

_Part 1  
Bucky scanned the shadows one last time, shook his head as if to rid himself of his paranoia, and began pounding on the bag again.  (Y/N) waited a few more moments before she quietly crept away, knowing that sleep would evade her again tonight.  Sleepless nights were preferable to the nightmares that plagued her, nightmares where an innocent man was tortured into submission, nightmares where she stood by and watched as his screams echoed off the walls._

_If you could see me on the other side  
You might find me fighting for my life   
But I'm still alive_

 

(Y/N) hadn't gone very far down the hall before a man slipped out of the shadows and blocked her way.  "Admiring your handiwork?"

She fixed the cocky brunet with a steely gaze as she tried to shoulder past him.  "I'm not having this conversation with you again, Stark."

He reached out and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her up short and earning him another angry glare.  "Why do you deliberately push his buttons?"

When you rolled your eyes and tried to pull away from him, his grip grew tighter.  "No, I'm serious.  I'm trying to understand your motivations here.  You came begging at my doorstep.  Told me the few tidbits of information you deemed 'need-to-know.'  You said you wanted a clean slate, a chance to prove that you were one of the good guys."

She took a deep breath.  "My past isn't really important.  You needed to know that I was Hydra.  You needed to know that I left them – before they fell.  The rest of my past is irrelevant."

"Do you think I'm an idiot?"

Her eyes narrowed as she tried to discern the meaning behind his question.  "Your intelligence isn't a matter of debate."  Looking down at her arm, she added, "Your manners on the other hand. . ."

He gave her one of his signature smirks, not letting go of her arm.  "I see the way you look at the Terminator."  When her face registered shock, he quickly amended, "Not like that.  There's something there, though.  Something you're not telling us.  Something, I think, he doesn't even know himself."

She had waited until his grip has loosened before trying to pull her arm free again.  Seeing her chance, she quickly stepped backwards, out of his grasp.  "It's late and you're obviously sleep deprived.  I don't know what you think you see, but I assure you, I have no interest in Barnes."

She turned to walk away, but Stark wasn't letting her leave with getting in the last word.  "You can lie to yourself all you want, sweetheart, but I know what guilt looks like.  After you've seen it in the mirror every single day of your life, you learn to recognize it in others."

She heard every word he said as she made her way to the elevators, but she didn't acknowledge what he'd said.  It was better to let him believe that her guilt was just about being Hydra.  He didn't need to know the true reason for her sleepless nights.  None of them did.

 

Bucky waited until he heard the soft ding of the elevator before he began pounding on the bag in earnest again.  A sardonic smile lifted the corners of his lips as he gave a silent thanks that everyone seemed to forget that the serum enhanced not only his body, but his senses as well.  He'd heard her the minute she'd gotten off the elevator.  He'd even given her a chance to show herself.  Then he'd unabashedly listened to every word she and Stark had said.  So, she was Hydra, or former Hydra.  That explained a lot, but it still didn't explain everything.


	4. Flashback

_2014_

"Mr. Secretary.  You asked to see me?"  (Y/N) briefly rapped on the jam of the open door before walking into her uncle's office.

"(Y/N).  Yes, there's a project that I need your help with today."  Alexander Pierce finished signing the document on his desk before standing to great his niece.  

(Y/N) had insisted that she call him Mr. Secretary when they were at work, but he refused to stop placing a chaste kiss on her forehead.  At least he only did that when they were alone.  It was bad enough that some within the organization accused her of gaining her position because she was related to the Secretary of the World Security Council.  They had no idea just how hard she had fought to get where she was today.  It had been a long, hard nine years since she'd graduated from the SHIELD Academy of Operations.

"Is it something to do with Project Insight?"  She had been dying to be a part of that program since her uncle had told her about Zola's algorithm, but he'd insisted that he needed her unique skill put to use in other areas of the organization.

"Actually, it is.  I need you to begin preparations to beef up the security around the Helicarriers."

"Is something wrong?"

"No, no, not at all.  We just want to take some extra precautions.  I'm on my way to lunch, why don't you join me and we can go over the details?"  He grabbed a Manila folder from his desk and placed a hand at the small of her back to lead her from the room.

 

They had just left the Triskelion, when he received a call on his cell phone.  (Y/N) tried to make out what the conversation was about, but her uncle had turned away from her and had begun to whisper.  She was able to make out just a few words, but only one caught her attention: Asset.

She'd been fully briefed on the Asset once she'd been made an official member of Hydra and she'd always wanted to meet him.  Her uncle had told her how Zola's team had found him, half dead, at the bottom of a ravine.  He'd suffered severe blood loss due to his injuries and if it weren't for Hydra's doctors, he would have never survived.  He was practically brain-dead, only retaining basic motor functions and required extensive cognitive recalibration after every mission. 

Her uncle gave their driver a new location and then turned to apologize to her for having to delay lunch.  "I'm sure your boss won't mind if you're a few minutes late from your lunch break."

"I don't know, Uncle Alex.  Secretary Pierce can be a hardass when it comes to things like this."  The two of them shared a small laugh at the inside joke.

The car pulled up in front of what appeared to be a old bank building.  Her uncle asked that she stay in the car while he took care of something really quick.  She waited for a few minutes after he'd left before climbing out of the car herself.  If he thought for one second that she was going to miss the opportunity to see the Winter Soldier in person, he didn't know her very well after all.

The building had plywood covering the broken out windows, and there was a layer of dust covering the floors and teller windows.  She had no problem following the tracks left by her uncle and those who had gone into the building before her.

She came upon a guard, but once she flashed her ID, he let her by with no question.  She knew that she shouldn't be here, and her uncle would be highly disappointed if he found her, so she carefully crept to the edge of the vault to spy in.

She didn't need to worry about anyone noticing her, all of their attention was centered on the half-naked man in the middle of the room.  He was seated within some elaborate contraption, she could only assume that it was what they used for the cognitive recalibration, and he was extremely agitated.

What drew her attention was his behavior.  Her uncle had assured her that he had the most basic cognitive functions and that he was no longer able to speak or think for himself.  The man before her was not the walking zombie her uncle had told her he was.  From what she could make out, he was confused, but he was definitely speaking, and remembering.

"Mission report," her uncle requested, but the man before him didn't seem to hear him.  "Mission report, now."  

When he still didn't respond, her uncle stepped closer and smacked him across the face.  (Y/N) flinched as the Soldier's head whipped around from the blow.

"The man on the bridge. . .who was he?"  

This was not the man she'd been briefed on.  This man was broken and in pain, you could see it in his eyes.  He was more like a wounded animal than a trained assassin.  

"You met him earlier this week on another assignment." Her uncle's patience was starting to grow thin.

"I knew him."

Those three words were like ice in (Y/N)'s veins.  There was only one man he could be talking about, one man that he would recognize after 70 years.  This wasn't the Winter Soldier anymore, this was Bucky Barnes.  (Y/N) stomach began to roll as she realized that it had all been lies.  She'd been assured that there was nothing left of Barnes, that he was an empty shell that Zola had kept alive with a regime of drugs and cognitive recalibration.  Her uncle began to say something about "shaping the century," but she heard enough.  

She quickly made her way back to the entrance of the bank, but her stomach wouldn't be ignored.  She barely made it to the forgotten wastebasket by the door before she began to throw up.  What had she gotten herself into?  What was Hydra, really?  Who was her uncle?

She barely made it back to the car before she saw her uncle exiting the building.  She could barely look at him when he joined her in the backseat.

"Are you alright?"  He reached over to touch her shoulder and it took every ounce of willpower she had not to flinch.

"My stomach feels queasy all of a sudden.  It must have been that egg sandwich I ate in the cafeteria this morning."

"I've told you a thousand times not to eat that garbage.  It's okay, we'll have lunch another time.  I'll have George drop you off at your apartment.  You can look over the file once you're feeling better."

She didn't respond, just gave a pained smile and nodded her head.  

The second she was inside her apartment, she ran for her bedroom and grabbed an empty backpack.  She threw open drawers and grabbed the few essentials she would need to get her by for a few days.  She pulled up the floorboards by her bed and opened her safe.  She took out the unregistered Glock 22 she'd obtained illegally and a few extra magazines of ammo.  She strapped the Glock into the holster at her back and pulled on a light jacket to hide it from view.  She took one last look at her apartment before shutting the door on the life she'd worked so hard to make.

She only had a vague idea of where she was going, but she knew she had nowhere else to go.  There was only one person she trusted right now.  The only question was whether he would trust her.


	5. Chapter 5

_Previously:_

_Part 3  
Bucky waited until he heard the soft ding of the elevator before he began pounding on the bag in earnest again.  A sardonic smile lifted the corners of his lips as he gave a silent thanks that everyone seemed to forget that the serum enhanced not only his body, but his senses as well.  He'd heard her the minute she'd gotten off the elevator.  He'd even given her a chance to show herself.  Then he'd unabashedly listened to every word she and Stark had said.  So, she was Hydra, or former Hydra.  That explained a lot, but it still didn't explain everything._

 

(Y/N) had spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, only finally getting to sleep around 5am.  She'd gotten about two solid hours when FRIDAY quietly woke her up to let her know that Director Coulson would be landing in about fifteen minutes.  She crawled out of her warm bed and headed straight for the shower.  She'd just barely made it to the briefing room before Coulson arrived.

"You look like hell." Sam Wilson wasn't exactly known for his tact.

"Thanks Wilson, I appreciate the compliment." (Y/N) knew better than to take him seriously.  He may like to joke around during down time, and especially during a mission, but he'd always had her back and she trusted him more than any other member of the team.

Stark walked through the door with Director Coulson and a petite brunette whom (Y/N) recognized immediately.  She gave the SHIELD agent a small smile and a nod before Coulson jumped right into the briefing.

Natasha didn't trust (Y/N).  She'd done her best to find any record of her, but the woman was like a ghost.  She knew her birthdate, but not who her parents were, or where she'd been born.  Since Hydra had taken out the SHIELD Academy's, all records concerning her had been destroyed.  The few classmates that Nat had found only knew her as a loner, not one to share personal information.  If it weren't so frustrating for her, Nat would have been impressed with how well she'd gone off the grid.

Right now, Nat was watching every move she made, hoping that something she did, or something she said, would give her a clue about the other woman.  The smile and nod toward the agent with Coulson definitely peeked her interest.  She'd have to make a point to find out more about her, but for the moment, she needed to be paying attention to the mission Coulson was discussing.

"So, like I said, it'll be a pretty easy mission.  I'd take care of it myself, but my team is still recovering from the AIDA incident and we need to rest up a bit, get our bearings back, before we head out again."

Steve had been making notes like a good little Boy Scout, so he was the first to speak.  "Okay, the way I see it, we have group of insurgents terrorizing villages in Eastern Europe and claiming ties to Hydra.  We know where they were as of yesterday, but their movements have been sporadic.  I believe they are trying not to stick to a pattern to make it harder for the authorities to find them.  It's almost as though they're throwing darts at a map to decide where to strike next."

"I agree with Cap," Stark said.  "I think our best bet is to check the satellite data to see if we can get some clear pictures of their faces.  FRIDAY can run their images through the facial recognition program and as soon as we get a hit, we'll be on them like ants at a picnic."

Everyone nodded their heads in agreement as the briefing came to a close.  (Y/N) was the first to leave the room, and Nat was hoping that she'd talk to the other agent so she could eavesdrop.

"Skye!" (Y/N) called out.  "Wait up a sec, I'd like to talk to you for a minute."

"It's actually Daisy now," the other woman explained with a wave of her hand.  "It's a long story."

"You'll have to tell me about it sometime over Margaritas.  Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about that last project we worked on.  Do you have time to discuss it with me in my room?"

Daisy, or Skye, as (Y/N) had referred to her, conferred with Coulson for a moment before walking away towards (Y/N)'s room.  Natasha grabbed her tablet and immediately searched the SHIELD database for a Daisy.  She found Daisy Johnson fairly easy and was shocked to find that she was an Inhuman.  She and Coulson had been through hell the past few years dealing with Hive and AIDA, but nothing was connecting her to (Y/N).  

Natasha continued to dig through her files, but it wasn't until she searched under the name Skye that she found anything interesting.  Skye had been a hacker with The Rising Tide before Coulson found her and recruited her for SHIELD.  Nat did a little more digging into her hacker days and after about twenty minutes she figured out her signature.  Most hackers had a signature, especially cocky kids that thought they were smarter than everyone else.  Now that Nat knew what she was looking for, she went back to the files she'd dumped on the Internet during the fall of Hydra.  Using Skye's signature, she was able to track where she had been.  With a little skill of her own, she was able to recover the documents that Skye had disappeared from the Net.  

Nat wasn't even halfway through the files before she found exactly what she'd been looking for.  "Gotcha."


	6. Flashback

_Previously:_

_2014  
The second she was inside her apartment, she ran for her bedroom and grabbed an empty backpack.  She threw open drawers and grabbed the few essentials she would need to get her by for a few days.  She pulled up the floorboards by her bed and opened her safe.  She took out the unregistered Glock 22 she'd obtained illegally and a few extra magazines of ammo.  She strapped the Glock into the holster at her back and pulled on a light jacket to hide it from view.  She took one last look at her apartment before shutting the door on the life she'd worked so hard to make._

_She only had a vague idea of where she was going, but she knew she had no where else to go.  There was only one person she trusted right now.  The only question was whether he would trust her._

 

(Y/N) had stumbled upon a file during one of her assignments and accidentally discovered that Phil Coulson was actually alive and leading a team of SHIELD agents.  Director Fury had wanted this information to stay classified for his own reasons, but being the niece of the Secretary of the World Security Council gave her the highest security clearance next to the President.  Her uncle had no reason to go looking for the file she discovered, so she was almost certain he wouldn't know where to find him.

She needed to get to Coulson and figure out a way to stop her uncle and Hydra.  She had a long journey ahead of her and she needed to stay off the grid as much as possible.  She knew once Project Insight was up and running, she'd be considered a threat and probably eliminated, but she might have some time before the algorithm singled her out.  

 

(Y/N) was on a Greyhound bus, somewhere in Pennsylvania, a ball cap pulled low on her head and dark sunglasses covering most of her face.  It wasn't much of a disguise, but most of the people on the bus hadn't given her a second look.  She was heading to Western New York to beg Agent Coulson to take her in, to help her bring down Hydra.  She didn't know what she was walking into.  She was fully aware that she might not make it out of this alive.

Once she arrived at the stop closest to the Hub, she found a car to rent.  In addition to her unregistered Glock, she'd also grabbed the fake ID and passport her uncle knew nothing about.  Somewhere deep down, she must have known it was all wrong.  She'd told herself that she was just being cautious when she'd bought the gun and had the ID made. Now, she knew.  She knew she'd need to use them at some point to get away from the poison that was Hydra.

The Hub was well hidden, but she knew how to get there.  She wasn't at all surprised when a guard suddenly stepped out in front of her on the road.  She pulled her fake SHIELD ID out and once her credentials were cleared, she was admitted.  She shook her head, completely disgusted with herself.  She had known. Why else would she have spent weeks creating a false identity within SHIELD if she hadn't needed to hide from her uncle?  Nine years.  She had spent nine years with blinders on, completely ignoring what was going on around her.  She'd followed every order without question.  Now she wondered how many innocent lives were lost because of her.  Her parents would be so disappointed in her.

Agent Coulson was waiting for her as she pulled up to the front entrance of the building.  "Agent (Y/L/N).  I'm a little confused.  I was told to expect an Agent Smith."

"Agent Coulson, I'm sorry for the subterfuge, but my uncle can't know that I'm here."  She dropped her head, the exhaustion of the past few hours weighing heavily upon her.  "I need your help, but I'm afraid I'm already too late."

Agent Coulson was a kind-hearted man, and she'd been impressed with him the few times she'd met him.  He was also a shrewd man, who know when someone was bullshitting him.  He took a good, long look at her and decided that he would at least hear her out.  He led her to his office and grabbed a bottle of water from the mini-fridge in the corner before joining her on the small couch opposite his desk.

She took a long drink before she began to speak.  "I don't really know where to start.  I guess the first thing you need to know is that Hydra isn't dead."

"I beg your pardon."  His voice was even and calm, and if it weren't for the slight flaring of his nostrils, (Y/N) would have assumed her statement hadn't shocked him at all.

"Hydra is alive and well, and has been since WWII.  They've just been hiding within SHIELD, waiting for their opportunity to strike."

"How do you know this?"

"I know this because I'm a member of Hydra."  Her admission was difficult to say and her voice cracked at the end.

"I find that hard to believe, Agent (Y/L/N).  What about your uncle?  You might have been able to hide this from everyone you work with, but from him?"

"Alexander Pierce is the head of Hydra and his latest project, Project Insight, is the final piece of the puzzle."

Coulson got up from the small couch and walked to the window.  "I think you're going to have to start at the beginning and tell me everything."

(Y/N) spent the next hour or so telling Coulson how Dr. Zola infiltrated SHIELD after the "fall" of Hydra and how he spent years working behind the scenes to further his own murderous cause.  She explained how Project Insight was based off of an algorithm that Zola had created that would eliminate any and all threats to Hydra's agenda.  She told him about Bucky Barnes and the torture he'd endure for the past 70 years.  She explained that Project Insight was now in the process of being launched and if the Helicarriers were allowed to take off, it would be the end of the world as they knew it."

"I knew if I went straight to Director Fury, my uncle would know.  He still thinks you're dead, but you can get a message to Fury, can't you?"

"How long have you been off of the grid?"

You furrowed your brow in confusion.  "I left as soon as my uncle dropped me off at my apartment.  It's been about 8 hours."

"I'm afraid that Director Fury is dead."  He went to a wall of monitors and grabbed a remote.  

Just as he was about to turn on the television, another Agent burst through the door.  "Coulson, you're going to want to turn on the news.  Things in D.C. just went to hell."

Coulson turned on the TV and the three of them watched as the second of three Helicarriers fell from the sky, taking the last one to the Potomac with it."

"Agent (Y/L/N), I think I'm going to need you to stay here and help us clean up this mess."

As they continued to watch, a blurb ran across the bottom of the screen.  Secretary of The World Security Council, Alexander Pierce, killed during the events in D.C. today.

(Y/N)'s knees gave out from beneath her and she sank back into the couch.  She was alone.  For the first time in her life, she had no family to turn to.


	7. Chapter 7

_Previously:_

_Part 5  
Natasha continued to dig through her files, but it wasn't until she searched under the name Skye that she found anything interesting.  Skye had been a hacker with The Rising Tide before Coulson found her and recruited her for SHIELD.  Nat did a little more digging into her hacker days and after about twenty minutes she figured out her signature.  Most hackers had a signature, especially cocky kids that thought they were smarter than everyone else.  Now that Nat knew what she was looking for, she went back to the files she'd dumped on the Internet during the fall of Hydra.  Using Skye's signature, she was able to track where she had been.  With a little skill of her own, she was able to recover the documents that Skye had disappeared from the Net.  _

_Nat wasn't even halfway through the files before she found exactly what she'd been looking for.  "Gotcha."_

 

Nat sat at the conference room table for a few minutes as she continued to read through some of the files.  She still couldn't believe that (Y/N) was a former member of Hydra.  Even harder to believe was that she was the niece of Alexander Pierce.  

She drummed her fingers on the glass top of the table trying to decide what to do next.  Tony had to know, he was too nonchalant about her hidden past.  Why he was hiding it from the team, that part was lost on her.  It wasn't as if they were all as squeaky clean as Rogers.  She had been a Russian assassin, Barnes had been the Fist of Hydra, and Wanda had been both a part of Hydra and in league with Ultron.  The only thing Nat could deduce was that (Y/N) didn't want the family connection to come out.

Finally making a decision, she hit print and locked the tablet's screen.  She made her way to Tony's office to collect the documents.  The stack of paper was fairly thick.  Skye must have spent weeks burying all of this information.  Too bad she left such a recognizable signature.

Nat gathered the papers and swiped a binder clip from Tony's desk, as well as a Manila folder.  She wrote (Y/N)'s name on the tab and placed the stack of papers inside.  "FRIDAY?  Where's Sergeant Barnes?"

The AI responded immediately. "Sergeant Barnes is currently in his residence, Agent Romanoff.  Would you like me to request that he join you in Mr. Stark's office?"

"No thanks.  I'll go to him." 

Nat took the elevator to Bucky's floor and lightly knocked on his door.  She dreaded having this conversation with him, but if anyone deserved to know the truth about (Y/N), it was him.  She'd made his life a living hell these past few months and he needed to know why.

Bucky opened the door and immediately looked confused. "Natasha?  Is something happening?  Have we already found the insurgents?"

"No, it's not that." Nat looked over her shoulder, a second nature reflex from her spy days.  "Can I come in?  I think this is a conversation we need to have in private."

Bucky opened the door a little wider and stepped to the side to allow her entry.  She took a second to get a good look at his room.  This was the first time she'd ever been in it.  The walls were completely bare, and except for a few books on the bookshelves, there was next to nothing personal in his room.  The one thing that drew her eye was a framed photo on his nightstand.  It was a picture of him and Steve from the 30s.  Steve hadn't received the Serum yet and was short and scrawny.  Bucky had his arm wrapped around his shoulders and both of them were smiling into the camera.

"That was taken at Coney Island," Bucky explained when he noticed where her gaze had landed.  "Some guy had a camera one day and offered to take our picture.  It was in a file box of Steve's belongings that Peggy had held onto.  She gave it Steve after he thawed out and he gave it to me to help me remember."

"It looks like happier times." Nat turned her attention back to him.  "It almost makes me wish I didn't have to show you this."

Bucky's brow furrowed in confusion as he looked at the folder she was holding out to him.  He saw (Y/N)'s name on the tab and immediately took it from her.  "Is this what I think it is?  How did you finally find it?"

"(Y/N) slipped up and called Agent Johnson by an old alias.  I did some digging and it turns out that Coulson's new number two is a reformed hacker.  (Y/N) had her bury these files, but once I knew what I was looking for, it was easy to find.  What's not going to be easy is you finally finding out who (Y/N) really is."

"At this point, nothing could surprise me." Bucky had already opened the file and begun reading through the documents.

"I'm going to leave you to it," Nat said as she walked to the door.  "If you need some backup when you confront her, just let me know."

"I will," Bucky said absentmindedly, his attention already consumed by the stack of papers.  "Thanks for this."

Bucky spent the next thirty minutes reading through page after page of (Y/N)'s history.  He hadn't even made it half way through before his anger got the better of him.  All these months, she'd tried to make him feel like he was the one to blame for Hydra's mess, but the truth was, she was in deeper than most anyone else.  He slammed the folder shut and stormed from the room.

 

(Y/N) jumped when she heard the pounding on her door.  It sounded like someone was trying to break it down.  She grabbed her gun from the nightstand, just in case, and opened the door.

The man before her didn't look anything like the Bucky Barnes she'd seen these past few months.  She wagered that this man was more akin to the Winter Soldier.  His eyes were hard and cold and his body language screamed rage. 

He thrust the folder into her hands.  "You want to explain this?"

(Y/N) reluctantly opened the folder and flipped through the crumpled pages.  She could tell that he'd been extremely angry as he read them, and once she saw the information they contained, she knew why.

Bucky didn't even wait for her to reply.  "All these months you've made me out to be the villain, but it turns out you were Hydra's little princess."

"It wasn't like that," she tried to explain.  "I mean, Pierce was my uncle, but I didn't know everything.  Once I found out what was really going on, I turned.  I tried to stop Project Insight, but by the time I made it to Coulson, Rogers had already brought down the Helicarriers.  I didn't know about the rest, I swear.  It wasn't until Skye, I mean Daisy, hacked the system for me that I found out what he really had planned."

"What are you talking about?  What's worse than being Pierce's niece and heir to the Hydra kingdom?"

"You didn't make it to the end, did you?"


	8. Flashback

_Previously:_

_2014  
Coulson turned on the TV and the three of them watched as the second of three Helicarriers fell from the sky, taking the last one to the Potomac with it._

_"Agent (Y/L/N), I think I'm going to need you to stay here and help us clean up this mess."_

_As they continued to watch, a blurb ran across the bottom of the screen.  Secretary of The World Security Council, Alexander Pierce, killed during the events in D.C. today._

_(Y/N)'s knees gave out from beneath her and she sank back into the couch.  She was alone.  For the first time in her life, she had no family to turn to._

_2014_  
(Y/N) had spent the past four months helping Coulson and the team pick up the pieces left behind when Hydra was revealed.  SHIELD had officially been disavowed, but they were still working behind the scenes to ensure the safety of the world.  

(Y/N)'s inside knowledge of the organization was paramount in the work they were doing, so it came as a surprise to her when Coulson informed her that she was being reassigned.

"What do you mean, my skills are needed elsewhere?"

Coulson gave her a sad smile, knowing she didn't want to leave.  She'd worked hard to prove her loyalty to his team, and they had accepted her without prejudice.  It would be hard for her to pick up and move somewhere new with her history hanging over her head.  "Director Fury needs some help in Europe and once he found out about you, he requested that you be reassigned to work with him.  I know you're ashamed of your past. . ."

"Ashamed?"  (Y/N)'s eyes grew large at the blatant understatement.  "You know what I've done, Coulson.  Shame doesn't even begin to cover it.  Any other agent would have killed me on the spot.  What am I talking about?  They still would!  How do I know I can trust Fury?"

"The Director was impressed that you turned even before Hydra fell.  He also trusts my judgment and I've personally vouched for you.  As for your past, I may have a solution for that problem."  Coulson never blinked an eye at her outburst, in fact, he'd expected it.

She sat down in the chair across from his desk.  This office wasn't as nice as the one in New York, but when you were on the run for your lives, you didn't have the luxury of being picky.  They'd been forced to evacuate the Hub when Coulson's team was suspected of being Hydra.  They'd been trying to clear their names ever since.  "Everyone thinks we're Hydra, and I have the misfortune of actually being Hydra.  How are you going to fix that?"

"Skye."

"Skye?"

"You may not be aware of this, but Skye was once a member of the Rising Tide."

(Y/N) closed her eyes and shook her head as she began to laugh.  "Has anyone ever told you that you have a bad habit of taking in strays you probably shouldn't?"

"I like to think I'm giving them a second chance.  That's all you wanted, wasn't it?"

"This team is nothing but a bunch of misfits.  You're supposed to be dead, Fury's supposed to be dead, Skye was a part of the hacktivist group that exposed SHIELD after the Battle of New York, and I'm a former member of Hydra.  What other dirty little secrets are you keeping for the rest of the team?"

"Plenty, but none that concern you.  Skye's past does concern you.  She has skills that neither of us have."

"What are you suggesting?  Is she going to hack into my files and erase all of my connections to Hydra?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

(Y/N) sat there for a second, completely dumbfounded.  "Just like that, my entire past will cease to exist?"

"If you want it to, then yes, she can make that happen."  Coulson got up and moved to sit in the chair opposite her.  "I know this is a lot to take in.  Think about it for a few days and let me know what you decide."

She shook her head.  "I don't need a few days, I want to do this.  I want Hydra out of my life for good.  When can we start?"

 

(Y/N) sat with Skye at a computer monitor as she watched the other woman's fingers fly across the keyboard.  "How long will this take?"

"Not half as long as it would have if Natasha Romanoff hadn't dumped all of these files on the internet."  Skye continued to type as she explained exactly what she was doing.  "I still need to go in and make sure that any database search with your name comes up empty.  These files have been on the 'Net for a while now, so there's no telling how many people have seen them or linked them."

"This isn't going to be foolproof, is it?" (Y/N) had refused to get her hopes up that this would completely solve her problems.  "If someone looks hard enough, they'll still find me."

Skye stopped typing for a second to look at (Y/N).  "I know you're worried, but I promise you, someone would have to be a whole lot smarter than me to find these files after I'm finished with them."

"Okay, Skye, let's do this.  Let's erase my entire existence."

Skye turned her head to give (Y/N) a comforting smile before getting back to work.  "Think of it as a fresh start."

She worked for hours on end without a break.  (Y/N) had moved to one of the couches and stretched out while she waited.  She was on the verge of falling asleep when the sound of keys rapidly clicking suddenly stopped.  She sat up and peered over the back of the couch.

"Are you finished?"

Skye was bent over the keyboard, her face close to the monitor as she read something on the screen.  "No, I'm just trying to make sense of this document."

"What document?" (Y/N) had risen from the couch and rejoined Skye at the computer.  "What is about?"

"It's about the Asset."

"I don't understand, I thought you were only looking for files with my name."

"I was, and then this popped up."  She continued to read for a few more moments before sitting back into her chair suddenly.  "Holy sh. . ."

"What?" (Y/N) interrupted. 

"There's a lot here, (Y/N).  A lot you probably don't want anyone to find."

"Tell me!"

"There's a whole section here about Connor Morrison.  You almost died after that incident."

"There's a file about that?"  (Y/N)'s eyes were wide with fear.  "What else is in that file?"

"Maybe you need to read this for yourself," Skye said as she swiveled the monitor toward (Y/N).

(Y/N)'s stomach had dropped at the mention of the Asset's name.  She'd tried for months to get the image of him out of her mind, the sound of his screams coming from the vault as she'd ran away like a coward.  The nightmares that plagued her almost every night didn't seem to be waning as time wore on.  If anything, they seemed to be growing in intensity.  Now she was reminded of Connor.  What other horrors must she endure?

She began to read the information on the screen and the more she read, the worse the nausea became.  She could barely process the words on the screen.  This couldn't be true.  Her uncle couldn't have possibly done this.  She had learned how evil he really was, but this, this was beyond what she'd thought was humanly possible.

"Rogers was the Asset's last mission," she finally said after she'd finished reading.

"That's what I'd gathered as well," Skye confirmed.  "They thought he was becoming too unstable, the mind-wipes weren't holding as long as they used to.  Once he killed Rogers, he was going to be terminated."

"And why did they need him anymore when they had me?  They made sure that I had no other loyalties, that I wouldn't need to have my mind wiped.  I would be the perfect Winter Soldier."


	9. Chapter 9

_Previously:_

_Part 7  
Bucky didn't even wait for her to reply.  "All these months you've made me out to be the villain, but it turns out you were Hydra's little princess."_

_"It wasn't like that," she tried to explain.  "I mean, Pierce was my uncle, but I didn't know everything.  Once I found out what was really going on, I turned.  I tried to stop Project Insight, but by the time I made it to Coulson, Rogers had already brought down the Helicarriers.  I didn't know about the rest, I swear.  It wasn't until Skye, I mean Daisy, hacked the system for me that I found out what he really had planned."_

_"What are you talking about?  What's worse than being Pierce's niece and heir to the Hydra kingdom?"_

_"You didn't make it to the end, did you?"_

 

Bucky grabbed the folder from her hands and quickly flipped to the bottom of the stack.  (Y/N) knew the exact moment when he'd found what she was referring to.  She could see the anger rolling off of him in waves.  He took an audible breath before his eyes rose to meet hers again.

"How long had you been planning on killing me?"

Her heart began to race as she furiously shook her head.  "No.  You don't understand.  I had no idea that was what my uncle was planning."  She had started backing away from him, afraid that he would lose control of his temper and strike out at her.  She was pretty strong, but no one other than Steve could withstand a blow from his vibranium arm.

"If you weren't a part of it, then how did you know where to find the information in this file?"

"Skye. . .Daisy. . .whatever. . .she found it when she was erasing my past.  I swear I had no idea that they were going to kill you, that they wanted me to take your place.  If I had known, I wouldn't have left you there with them!"  She had backed herself all the way to the wall and had no where left to go.

His eyes grew even colder as he tried to process her last words.  Realization finally dawned on him and anger seemed to consume him.  "Liar!" He rushed forward and slammed his metal hand against the wall just to the right of her face.  Sheet rock crumbled to the ground at her feet as a cloud of dust enveloped them.

"I'm so sorry," she said as tears began to well up in her eyes.  "I promise I didn't know they were going to kill you.  I didn't know that you still remembered who you were."

Bucky watched the tears roll down her face and it was like a bucket of cold water had been thrown on him.  All at once, his anger faded and was replaced with a feeling he couldn't quite place.  He reached up and wiped away a tear with his right hand.  "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have lost my temper like that."

(Y/N) stood there in shock as his mood switched from murderous rage to remorseful in a split second.  She was uncomfortable being this close to him, to having him touch her so intimately, but she did nothing to stop him.  His eyes were soft as he looked deep into hers, waiting to see if she would forgive him. 

"N. . No.  I should be the one apologizing to you."

"What did you mean, if you had known, you wouldn't have left me there with them?"  His brow had furrowed as he struggled to remember her from before.  "Did we ever meet?"

He hadn't moved away from her, and the heat radiating from his body was starting to make her uncomfortable.  It wasn't an uneasy uncomfortable, but more of an awareness type of uncomfortable.  She was suddenly aware of how broad his chest was, how thick his arms were, how the blue of his eyes looked like the sea after a storm.  This was an awareness that was causing her body to react in ways that were highly inappropriate for the situation they were in.  

She took a deep breath and swallowed hard, trying to bring her attention back to the matter at hand.  "No. We never met.  I snuck into the bank vault the day my uncle, the day that Pierce ordered you go after Rogers again.  You never saw me."

"But you saw me?"  Bucky was struggling to keep his attention focused on their conversation.  His heightened senses had picked up on her change in mood and it was causing his to change as well.  He hadn't been this close to a woman he wasn't actively fighting in decades.  He'd deliberately kept that part of himself closed off while he tried to put the pieces of his mind back together.  He could almost smell the desire radiating off of her and it was intoxicating.

For some reason (Y/N) felt as though he wasn't just asking her about that day at the bank vault.  The sexual tension in the room was almost palpable at this point.  They were both breathing hard and trying not to give into temptation.

(Y/N)'s tongue nervously darted out to wet her suddenly parched lips.  Bucky's eyes grew wide and he drew in a strangled breath.  Unable to stop himself, he began to close the distance between them.

(Y/N) saw him leaning toward her and did nothing to stop him.  It was wrong on so many levels, but at this point, she just didn't care anymore.  His lips were mere millimeters away from hers when the door to her room flew open.

"What's going on in here?"  

Steve burst through the door and Bucky quickly backed away, tucking his left arm behind his back and running his right hand through his hair.  He looked like a schoolboy caught playing seven minutes in heaven.  (Y/N) wanted to laugh, but Steve's worried expression curbed that impulse.  Before she or Bucky could answer him, the rest of the team came running into the room.

"He didn't kill her, did he?" Stark was frantically searching the room for signs of carnage, and his face visibly flooded with relief when he spotted (Y/N) leaning up against the wall.  His face hardened again when he saw the handprint by her head.

Bucky turned toward Nat with an accusing look.  "I thought you said you were going to let me handle it?"

Nat held up one hand in surrender while she pointed to the damaged wall with the other.  "We all felt the walls shake when you did that.  I had no choice but to tell them."

"So it's true?" Sam asked from the doorway.  "You used to be Hydra?"

(Y/N) tried not to squirm under their collective glare, but her emotions were pretty raw at this point and she was struggling to hold on.  "How much did Natasha tell you?" 

Sensing her rising panic, Wanda stepped forward to try to ease the tension.  "She just told us that she and Bucky had found out you used to be a part of Hydra, nothing else."

Stark had made himself comfortable on the edge of (Y/N)'s bed once he realized that no blood had been shed.  "Since the cat's out of the bag, don't you think it's time you tell us the whole story?" 

She closed her eyes and resigned herself to the inevitable.  She'd known this day would come soon enough, maybe it was time to finally get it all out in the open.  "You're right, but can we do this in the conference room?"

"That's fine," Stark conceded, "but tell me one thing.  Who'd ya kill?"


	10. Flashback

_November 2011_  
(Y/N) exited the elevator and quickly made her way to her uncle's office.  It had been weeks since she'd last been up here, so she knew that he finally had a mission for her.  

She rapped on the open doorframe before entering his office.  He was standing by the bank of windows overlooking the Potomac.  He turned at the sound of her knock, a wide smile spreading across his face.

"(Y/N), my dear, please have a seat," he said as he gestured toward the chairs in front of his desk.  He grabbed a file folder off of his desk as he sat in the other chair beside her.

"Is that a new mission?" she asked as she held out her hand for the folder.  Once he'd handed it over, she eagerly opened it and began to scan it's contents.  The folder fell from her hands as a sick feeling settled into her stomach.

Pierce picked up the folder and straightened up the papers before speaking again.  "I realize that this a bit shocking to you. . ."

"A bit shocking?" she interrupted, her voice cracking as she started to have difficulty breathing.

He held up a hand to stop her.  "Agent (Y/L/N), you need to calm down."  

"Why?" she whispered.

"The Assistant Director has been poking his nose into things that need to be left alone," he explained.  "My sources tell me that he's on the verge of exposing Hydra within SHIELD and we're just not ready for that yet."  He laid a hand on her shoulder before continuing.  "I wish there were some other way, but he's become a threat and he needs to be eliminated."

"Is this why you had me start the injections a couple months ago?" (Y/N) asked as she tried to look at the situation professionally.

Her uncle gave her a sad look.  "I'm afraid so.  We began to suspect that he was getting close to the truth about six months ago, and I figured you'd want to take care of him yourself."

(Y/N) rose from her seat and reached out for the folder again.  Squaring her shoulders she started for the door, turning back toward her uncle at the last minute.  "I'm glad you're letting me handle this.  I won't let you down."

 

The tall brunet held the door open for her and (Y/N) gave him a warm smile before preceding him into the restaurant.  The hostess greeted the two of them as she took their coats.  (Y/N) stayed behind to get the ticket while Conner approached the maître d'.

"May I have your name, please?" the maître d' asked in a thick French accent.

"Morrison," Conner answered.  "We have a reservation for two at 7:15."

"Ah, yes, Monsieur.  Your table is almost ready.  Would you and the lovely lady like to have a seat at the bar while you wait?"

Conner gave (Y/N) a questioning glance and when she nodded, he placed a hand at the small of her back and began to lead her across the room.

"What would you like to drink?" he asked after he'd helped her onto her stool.

"I think I'll have a glass of Chardonnay," she answered with a smile.

"I'm not really in the mood for white tonight," he said as the bartender walked over to them.  "The lady would like a glass of Chardonnay and I'll have a glass of Merlot, please."

The bartender walked away to fill their order and Conner turned back to her.  "Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?"

(Y/N) smiled as she began to count off on her fingers.  "Once when you picked me up, twice while we were in the car, and then again as we walked up the stairs outside."

He leaned over and kissed her as she rested a hand on his chest.  "A woman as beautiful as you deserves to be told a thousand times a day."

(Y/N)'s hand trailed up and around to cup the back of his neck.  "You're too good to me, Conner."

"Nonsense," he said as he brushed his knuckles down the side of her face.  "A gentleman should always spoil the woman he's going to marry."

The bartender returned with their drinks just as the maître d' approached them to let them know that their table was ready.  They grabbed their drinks and followed the man toward their table.

After they'd looked over the their menus and placed their orders, (Y/N) took a small sip of her wine.  "This is delicious.  How's yours?"

Conner took a sip of his wine and nodded his head in approval.  "One of the best Merlots I've had in a while.  Would you like to try it?"

(Y/N) nodded and reached for the glass of wine.  She gave it a swirl and inhaled the rich aroma before taking a drink.  "You're right, this is spectacular.  You'll have to remember the vintage and add it to your wine cellar at home."

Once she had returned his glass, he took another drink.  He looked up at her with a strange expression on his face.  

"Conner, are you okay?"

Conner reached up to loosen his collar as his face began to redden.  His eyes rolled back as white foam began to spill from his lips.  As (Y/N) shouted for help, he began to convulse, falling out of his chair onto the floor.  

(Y/N) sprang from her chair and fell to her knees beside him.  She felt a wave of heat wash over her just before her world went black.

 

Alexander Pierce sat at his niece's beside listening to the monitor beside him chirp with each beat of her heart.  He held her limp hand in his as he waited to hear if there would be any lasting effects of the poison she and Conner had ingested.

The door behind him quietly opened, but he didn't turn around.  He heard the sound of a throat clearing and recognized Agent Rumlow immediately.  He held up a finger, instructing the other man to wait a moment as he pulled a small device from his pocket and set it on the bedside table.  After he'd pressed a button he asked, "What have you heard?"

"Morrison dead, sir," Rumlow reported as he walked further into the room.  "My sources at the precinct gave me a copy of the initial lab report.  There were identical amounts of the poison in both of their wine glasses."  

"I'm sure they've reviewed the footage at the restaurant," Pierce said.  "I'm sure there's incriminating on the tapes?"

"Not at all, sir," he replied.  "Agent (Y/L/N) slipped the poison into both of their drinks without anyone seeing."  He waited a few moments before quietly asking, "How is she doing?"

"The doctors were able to pump her stomach before the poison could do too much harm," Pierce explained.  "We're just waiting to see if there will be any lasting effects."

"I thought she'd been dosing herself for the past couple of months to build up her tolerance."

Pierce ran his thumb over her fingers before he answered the other man.  "She's a professional.  I'm sure she just wanted to make it looked as though they were both targeted.  Speaking of which, who is taking the blame for this?"

"My contact in Al-Qaeda was more than happy to take responsibility for tonight's events.  It's not everyday they get to take credit for taking down the Assistant Director of SHIELD, even if they think he's just a high ranking member of Homeland Security."  Rumlow paused for a moment before asking the question that had been on his mind since this operation had been green-lighted.  "May I ask why she was the one to carry this out?  I mean, weren't you worried she couldn't go through with it?"

Pierce turned and looked at Rumlow for the first time since he'd entered the room.  "You underestimate my niece, Agent Rumlow.  She may have been in love with Morrison, but she was also aware that his interference could mean the end of all we've worked for these past 70 years."

Rumlow gave Pierce a quizzical look.  "But sir, Morrison wasn't a threat.  He knew nothing about Hydra."

Pierce looked back at his niece.  "You fail to see the bigger picture.  We need an asset that has no other ties, no other loyalties.  Morrison was a threat to my plans for her.  I've worked too hard these past few years to see her throw away her future for love.  Now that there's no one else in her life but me, she'll be the perfect tool for me to manipulate.  Once I'm sure she's ready, we'll get rid of the other one.  I doubt his brain can withstand much more anyway."


	11. Chapter 11

_Previously:_

_Part 9  
Stark had made himself comfortable on the edge of (Y/N)'s bed once he realized that no blood had been shed.  "Since the cat's out of the bag, don't you think it's time you tell us the whole story?" _

_She closed her eyes and resigned herself to the inevitable.  She'd known this day would come soon enough, maybe it was time to finally get it all out in the open.  "You're right, but can we do this in the conference room?"_

_"That's fine," Stark conceded, "but tell me one thing.  Who'd ya kill?"_

 

"More people than I care to remember," (Y/N) replied as she walked out of the room.

The rest of the team shared a questioning glance before they followed her to the conference room.  They found her standing in front of the wall of windows, her back to the room.

She waited until she was sure they had all taken a seat before she began to speak.  Not ready to look them in the eye, she continued to stare out toward the NYC skyline.  She told them that she was Pierce's niece – his sister's only child – that he'd groomed her from the time she was a teenager to ensure that she would pursue a career within SHIELD.  

She'd just gotten to the part where he'd told her about Hydra and how he saw the secret organization as a means to bring about peace in the world when an alert sounded.  She finally turned around to see Stark hurriedly pulling up one of his holo-screens.

"We've got a hit on the facial recognition," Stark informed them as he continued to swipe through the data FRIDAY was providing him.  "They're in Tartu, Estonia.  Reports are coming in that a group of armed men had taken over the Science Division of the University of Tartu."  Stark paused for a moment as the color drained from his face.  "Dr. Cho is there working with the department heads."

Rogers was the first to speak up as he addressed the team.  "We need to get moving.  Get suited up and meet at the Quinjet in ten minutes."  He turned to Stark as everyone began to rush out of the room.  "Have FRIDAY keep an eye on them.  If we can't make it there before they take her, we'll at least be able to follow them back to their base of operations."

Stark began to make the necessary program modifications and then turned to leave the room.  He stopped when he spotted (Y/N) still standing by the windows.  "Why are you still here?"

"I'm sorry," she said.  "I'll pack my things and be gone before you all get back."

Stark gave her an exaggerated eye roll.  "Not what I meant, honey.  Go get suited up, we need all hands on deck for this one."

She stood by the windows for a few moments, shocked that after all she'd told them, they'd still want her to be a part of the team.  Coming to her senses, she rushed to her room to grab her tactical gear and then made her way to the jet.  

The rest of the team was already there and waiting for her.  She quickly boarded the jet and strapped herself into a seat.  Stark and Rogers were at the controls, the pair of them working in tandem as Rogers took off and Stark programmed their flight coordinates into the computer.  She looked around the jet and noticed that none of the others were paying the least bit of attention to her.  Nat and Wanda were engrossed in a conversation with Sam as they studied the digital blueprints of the University on one of the onboard monitors.  Bucky was sitting off to himself, her file open in his lap as he continued to read all the information that Nat had decrypted.  (Y/N) took a deep breath as she waited for him to find it.

The entire trip was fraught with tension as Stark continued to monitor the situation in Tartu.  The insurgents were apparently having trouble breaching the doors to the SD.  The University had been working on extremely classified projects and had increased their security just in case something like this occurred.  At this rate, it was looking like the team would make to the University in time to catch the culprits.

As they neared Estonia, (Y/N) felt the tension in the jet spike and she knew.  Turning toward Bucky, she saw the color drain from his face as he looked from the folder in his lap to meet her eyes.  He opened his mouth to say something to her just as Rogers announced that they were getting to land and that everyone needed to be ready to go once the cargo doors were down.

As Rogers landed the jet, everybody scrambled from their seats to retrieve their weapons from the individual lockers along the left side of the jet.  Rogers broke the team up into pairs.  He and Bucky would approach the insurgents in the SD head on, Nat who was teamed up with Wanda and (Y/N) who was teamed up with Sam would be in charge of getting civilians to safety and taking out any insurgents they came upon, and Stark would be in the air to make sure that no threats were incoming and that none of the insurgents were allowed to escape.

(Y/N) didn't mind working with Sam, in fact he was her favorite Avenger to paired up with, but she had hoped that Rogers would have assigned her to work with Bucky.  She knew his mind wasn't in the game right now and she desperately wanted a few minutes to talk to him.  He and Rogers took off toward the SD without a backwards glance toward her, and she knew their conversation would have to wait.

She and Sam split up from Nat and Wanda as they ushered scared students and professors toward emergency personnel ringing the perimeter of the campus.  (Y/N) was eager to come across insurgents and she spared them no mercy.  Sam was a little more hesitant to use deadly force, but once they opened fire on him, he had no problem siccing Redwing on them.  

She could hear sounds of fighting from the comms in her ear and tried to pick out which grunts or hisses of pain were Bucky's.  Once she and Sam had cleared their assigned area, she turned toward her partner.  "I'm heading to the SD.  It's sounds like Rogers and Barnes have their hands full and need some help.  Are you coming?"

Sam only need a moment to think about it, and once he heard Rogers call out for Bucky, his mind was made up.  "Let's go!"

They raced across the campus and entered the complex that housed the SD only to find the halls dark and enveloped in smoke.  The emergency lights were on, but with all of the smoke, it was almost impossible to see.

"Barnes?  Rogers?  Do you copy?" (Y/N) whispered into her comms.

"We're in the corridor just outside the entrance to the SD and we're taking a lot of fire," Rogers reported.  "They are heavily armed and there are more than twenty men."

"Copy that," (Y/N) said as she and Sam began to creep through the halls.  "Wilson and I are heading your way.  Natasha? Wanda?  What's your status?" 

"We've got all of the civilians out of harms way and we'll be at your location in five minutes," Nat informed you.

"Copy that," (Y/N) said.  "Be warned, the power has been cut and the entire area is filled with smoke."

"Roger that," Nat responded.

(Y/N) and Sam had just turned a corner when two armed men ambushed them.  She barely missed the arc of a knife as it swished through the air toward her throat.  She fired off a few quick rounds and the assailant was down before he knew what hit him.  Sam easily dispatched the other man and they were soon on their way again.

When they finally found Rogers and Bucky, the two of them were engaged in a vicious brawl.  There were a slew of felled men at their feet, but more and more were emerging from the smoked-filled corridors.  (Y/N) and Sam joined in the fight and she began to lose track of time as her attention was focused solely on her survival.  At some point, Nat and Wanda had shown up.  (Y/N) could see the red wisps of Wanda's magic as she sent men flying through the air.

Once all of the insurgents were down, they all began to cautiously move toward the entrance to the SD.  The doors had been breached and there were numerous fires blazing from different sections.  Rogers used a series of hand signals to direct each group to different sectors of the division.  

(Y/N) and Sam found the group of scientists huddled in a supply closet in the Eastern part of the SD and thankfully, Dr. Cho was among them.  Sam alerted the team that the last remaining civilians had been found and that he and (Y/N) were going to escort them from the building.  

As (Y/N) and Sam began making their way back to the exit, Nat and Wanda radioed in that their area was clear and asked for orders.  Before Rogers or Bucky could answer, an explosion rocked the building.  (Y/N) didn't hesitate as she began to run toward the explosion, leaving Sam with the scientists.  

Rogers ordered the team to evacuate, but (Y/N) wasn't leaving without Bucky.  The Southern part of the SD was an obstacle course of debris and fire, but she was determined.  When she finally came upon the two Super Soldiers, she stopped dead in her tracks.  

Bucky was holding up a part of the ceiling as Rogers lay under a support beam directly beneath him.  (Y/N) rushed forward to help Rogers shift the weight of the beam so he could wriggle out from beneath it.

"What are you doing here?" he asked once he was free.  "I told everyone to evacuate."

"I guess I don't follow orders very well," she responded as she looked toward Bucky.

"You two need to leave," Bucky ordered.  "Once you're both clear, I can let go and hopefully get clear before the whole roof comes crashing down on me."

Rogers nodded his head as he began to make his way to the door, but (Y/N) started to move toward Bucky.  She was about to say something to him when another part of the ceiling came crashing down blocking her way to the exit and trapping her and Bucky.

"I told you to leave!" Bucky yelled at her.  "Don't you ever listen?"

"Apparently not," she retorted as she began to assess the pile of rubble blocking their way.  "This isn't budging.  How much longer can you hold up that section?"

Bucky looked up toward his left arm.  "I'm good for a little while longer, or at least until more of the structure collapses."

"Good," she said.  "This will give us some time to talk."

"You've got to be kidding me," Bucky snapped.  "We might be crushed under the weight of an entire building, and you want to have a talk."

She shot him an icy glare.  "Don't get snippy with me.  I just saved Rogers' life, I think I've earned the right to say my piece."  When Bucky didn't respond she continued.  "I know you found the file. . ."

"I don't want to talk about it," Bucky interrupted.  

She stepped closer to him and framed his face with her hands, forcing him to look at her.  "I need to talk about it."

The look in his eyes was enough to let her know that staying behind had been the right call.  The guilt and shame radiating from those blue-grey depths was about to break her heart.  "I don't blame you, I know it wasn't really you."

He looked at her disbelievingly.  "How can you say that?  How can you stand to even be in the same room as me?"

"Because I know you were just as much of a pawn as I was," she explained.  "You and me?  We're the same; both of us struggling to live with the guilt of the atrocities we were manipulated into committing."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  "Where do we go from here?"

"I don't know," she said, "but I know we don't have to do it alone anymore."

She leaned in and kissed him as the ceiling above them began to give way, debris and dust raining down on them.


	12. Flashback

_February 2011  
"желание." (Longing) _

_Screams echo off the walls of the abandoned bank vault as electric currents rip through his body.  His arms and legs are secured with thick bands of steel to keep him immobile.  His entire body is convulsing from both the electricity and the pain._

_"ржaвый." (Rusted)_

_The screams have stopped as the plates encasing his skull are lifted away.  He is hyperventilating as his body tries to recover from the trauma it has just endured.  His chest is rapidly rising and falling as he desperately tries to draw air into his aching lungs.  His throat is raw from screaming, but it's just another pain he must endure._

_"Семнадцать." (Seventeen)_

_As the words continue to be spoken, a realization dawns in his eyes.  He knows what's coming and he knows he is powerless to stop it.  After years of this torturous cycle, he's become resigned to fact that this is his life, this is his purpose._

_"Рассвет." (Daybreak)_

_He knows that in the next few moments, any free will he might have had will be gone.  His tongue darts out to wet his lips, lips that are so parched from screaming, from being trapped in the cold for so long.  He wants to fight it, he wants to break free, but he can't.  He bites his lower lip as he waits for the man to continue, for him to strip away the last shred of humanity before they make him do the unspeakable yet again._

_"Печь." (Furnace)_

_His conscious is slowly receding as the Soldier begins to emerge.  His eyes go dark and vacant as all emotion is stripped away.  He begins to fade, he is but a prisoner in his own mind, a puppet to be manipulated._

_"Девять." (Nine)_

_His mind is becoming a blank slate, but his body is still recovering from the torment he'd just endured.  His chest continues to heave as he struggles to inhale enough oxygen to feed his starving cells._

_"добросердечный." (Benign)_

_As feeling begins to come back into his extremities, he begins to convulse.  His arms and legs spasm of their own accord.  His facial muscles twitch and his head jerks back and forth._

_"возвращение на родину." (Homecoming)_

_His hands begin to slowly unclench as his nervous system starts to recover.  His eyes have grown even colder and less human as the words continue to burrow into his subconscious, bringing forth the monster they so diligently created._

_"Один." (One)_

_As the Soldier finally pushes past the broken consciousness that was once a good man, his body is finally calm.  His breathing is even and he sits still in his restraints._

_"грузовой вагон." (Freight Car)_

_He takes one final breath as he slowly looks up at the man who now holds his strings.  He sits patiently as he awaits his instructions._

_"солдат?" (Soldier)_

_"Я готов соблюдать." (Ready to comply)_

 

Pierce turned to Rumlow.  "It's a beautiful thing to watch, is it not?"

"I'm still amazed that a series of meaningless words can turn him into the greatest weapon this world has ever seen," Rumlow remarked.

"Don't be fooled," Pierce warned.  "Those words have meaning.  Each word was carefully chosen because they mean something to him, to the man he used to be."

"How did you come to learn them?" Rumlow asked.

A peaceful, serene expression fell over Pierce's face.  "I like to think of it like the oral traditions of old.  I was taught those words by my predecessor, just as he was taught by his, and now I'm passing them on to you.  To be honest, I don't know if a written copy of them even still exists."

"I'm honored," Rumlow said.

"As you should be," Pierce said, "but I wouldn't get too attached to our asset here.  Once my plan is complete, we won't need him anymore.  We'll keep him on ice for a few more years, just in case a situation arises, but this should be his last mission."

Pierce walked over to a desk and retrieved a file.  The asset had been quiet this whole time, obediently awaiting further instructions.  Once the restraints had been lifted he reached for the file Pierce handed him.  Opening it, he began to read.  With no emotion on his face, he closed the file and handed it back to Pierce.

"You have your orders," Pierce stated as the asset rose and walked out of the vault.

 

The Soldier sat on his idling motorcycle at the top of the mountain.  It was the middle of February, cold and snowy, but he felt none of it.  His focus was on the mission and the mission alone.  His contact at the bottom of the mountain had sent him a message a few minutes ago that the targets had begun to traverse the winding road.  He had already scoped out the entire road and knew which hairpin turn would yield the results his handlers were expecting.  He'd already driven the route to time just how long it would take the sedan to reach his desired point.

He had no watch, but he knew when it was time.  His boot kicked the stand as he revved the engine and began to race down the hill toward the two unsuspecting victims.  His headlight was off, but as he rounded the curve, he switched it on.  The driver of the car was momentarily blinded and jerked the wheel to the left.  The Soldier continued to barrel toward them and as the driver of the other car hit the soft gravel of the shoulder, he lost control and broke through the guardrail.  

The Soldier turned the motorcycle around and rode back up the mountain to assess the damage.  Lowering the kickstand, he got off the bike and walked toward the edge of the mountain.  The car was about a hundred feet down the embankment, and if it weren't for his enhanced eyesight, he wouldn't have seen it.  He waited for a few more moments and gave a nod of approval when the car burst into flames.

Striding back to the motorcycle, he quickly straddled it and began to make his way back to his handlers.  He had accomplished his mission perfectly.

 

The Soldier was led into a room where Pierce was waiting patiently.  "Mission report."

"The mission was a success," he stated coldly.  "The car caught on fire so it will be found sooner than expected."

"Excellent," Pierce said before turning to two guards standing just inside the door.  "Take him back to cryo, his work here is done."

Pierce had just begun to read through the file on his desk again when his cell phone began to ring.  Looking down at the screen, he gave a small smile of triumph, but steeled his expression before answering.

"Hello."

He listened to the caller on the other end of the line, his face an expressionless void, but his voice conveyed an emotion he was incapable of feeling.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart," he cajoled.  "I'll be there as soon as I can."

 

(Y/N) rushed to open the door when she'd heard the doorbell.  Her eyes were bloodshot and mascara had left streaks down her face from the tears she'd been shedding for the past hour.  When she saw her uncle on the other side of the door, she fell apart again as he enveloped her into his arms.  

Pierce shut the door behind him and continued to hold his niece as she struggled to tell him what had happened.

"The Police think that Dad must have swerved to avoid a deer and lost control of the car," she explained in between sobs.  "By the time someone saw the flames, it was too late, both he and mom were already gone."

"I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now.  Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't know, Uncle Alex," she said as she pulled away and looked up at him.  "I just can't believe it.  They were just here.  We went out for dinner and they hadn't been on the road for 45 minutes.  I never dreamed that something like this would happen to them."

"Accidents like this happen," he said, trying to comfort her.  "I know you're in shock, but I want you to know that I will always be there for you."

"I know, Uncle Alex," she agreed.  "We only have each other now."

Pierce was getting ready to say something when the doorbell chimed again.

"That must be Conner," she explained.

"Conner?" Pierce questioned.

(Y/N) looked chagrined.  "I didn't want to tell you until after Mom and Dad had met him, but Conner Morrison and I have been dating for a few months.  That's why they were in the city for dinner tonight."

(Y/N) went to answer the door as a look of rage twisted her uncle's features.  Just when he thought all of the obstacles were out of his way, (Y/N) had to go and fall in love.


	13. Chapter 13

_Previously:_

_Part 11  
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  "Where do we go from here?"_

_"I don't know," she said, "but I know we don't have to do it alone anymore."_

_She leaned in and kissed him as the ceiling above them began to give way, debris and dust raining down on them._

 

(Y/N) buried her head in Bucky's shoulder as he wrapped his right arm around her.  They were both expecting to be crushed under the weight of the roof, so they were surprised when they felt the warm rays of sunlight beating down on them.  Looking up, they saw both Stark and Sam struggling to lift the section of roof that Bucky had been supporting.

She quickly stepped back out of Bucky's embrace, not ready for the rest of the team to see her so vulnerable.  She gave him a desperate look, pleading with him to understand.  He gave her a curt nod as he began to climb over the rubble.  He paused a few feet up to reach back down for her.  She reluctantly took his hand and allowed him to help her scale the pile of debris to reach the top of the roof.

Once they were clear of the gaping hole, Rogers flew the Quinjet over them and dropped the cable ladder.  Bucky gestured for her to go first and she didn't bother arguing with him, ready to be back in the safety of the jet.

Wanda immediately ushered her to one of the benches along the right side of the jet as she began to assess her for any obvious wounds. (Y/N) looked up to see Bucky wave off Sam's attempts to bandage his wounds as he made his way back to his seat.  He gave her a quick glance as he opened the folder and continued to read.

The trip back to the Tower was somber.  Everyone was physically exhausted from the fight and mentally exhausted from the actions they'd had to take to ensure the safety of the civilians.  A few of the insurgents had been taken alive and the authorities were questioning them.  Once they gave up their employers, it would only be a matter of time before the team was called upon to neutralize the threat.

As the jet touched down on the landing pad high above the streets of New York, most of the team rose to leave.  (Y/N) was hoping to have a private word with Bucky, but he brushed past her without a glance.  She wasn't sure what else he had learned in her file, but if he'd made it to the part where she'd killed her fiancé in cold blood, she didn't blame him for not wanting to speak to her.  She knew deep down that Conner's death was on her uncle's head, but she'd been the one to follow the orders, she'd been the one to put the poison in his drink.  Learning that he was innocent all along had almost killed her.  Her parent's deaths were one thing, but she'd been the one responsible for killing the man she loved and it had left her with a void in her soul she never thought she'd ever be able to fill again.

She stood under the hot spray of the shower for what felt like hours.  A shower was supposed to make you feel clean, but it didn't matter how long she stood there, she never felt clean, never felt as though her sins would ever wash away.  Her mind kept going back to that moment with Bucky, that one perfect moment when his hand had cupped her cheek, pulling her closer to him as he kissed her back.  There had been something there between them, but once they were out of death's grasp, he'd acted as if he hadn't been holding onto her like the only lifeline he had left.

Making up her mind, she turned off the water and grabbed a towel from the bar on the wall.  She hurriedly dried off and grabbed the first articles of clothing that she found.  Taking a deep breath, she opened her door, and after making sure the hallway was clear, she padded barefoot down the hall to Bucky's room.

She didn't bother knocking, knowing that he kept the door unlocked so Rogers could get to him quickly if he had a nightmare.  Slipping quietly into the room, she shut the door behind her and flipped the lock. She was not in the mood to be disturbed.

Bucky walked out of the bathroom, a towel slung low around his hips, his long hair still wet.  She stood silent as she watched small rivulets of water run down his chest as they dripped from the ends of his hair.

Sensing that he wasn't alone, he looked toward the door to find her leaning against its surface.  Her eyes rose from his chest to meet his and he recognized the desire radiating off of her. He had wanted time to think about the kiss they'd shared and what it might mean.  He'd read through her entire file, so he knew she wasn't some innocent flower that was in danger of being crushed by the weight of his sins.  No, she was just as tainted as him and there was a part of him that reveled in that fact, in knowing that she was, in fact, his equal.  They'd both been used by Hydra, and they were both trying to make things right, now that they were on the other side.

"I wasn't sure if I should come," she whispered, still standing with her back against the door.

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and dropping his head.  When he looked back up at her, his eyes were blazing with desire, and it was all the invitation that she needed.  She strode across the room and buried her hands in the thick, wet strands of his hair, pushing it out of his face before she captured his mouth in a fiery kiss.

This kiss was different than the one they'd shared a few hours ago.  That one was almost sweet as they'd both thought it would be the last thing either of them ever did.  This kiss was full of heat and passion as they began to lose themselves in one another.

His teeth nipped at her bottom lip and when she gasped in surprise, his tongue swept past her lips to tangle with hers.  He broke away for a second as he changed the angle of the kiss, his lips coming back to hers as he continued to deepen it.  His right hand had gone to her hip when she'd first kissed him, but he was hesitant to touch her with the metal hand, afraid that he would lose control and hurt her.  Without breaking away from him, she reached down and grabbed his left hand and placed it on her other hip.  That simple act of trust had given him a sense of courage he'd long thought was lost forever.  He was still a bit hesitant with her as he slowly raked his fingers up her back, pulling her shirt up as he went.  

His fingers were leaving a trail of fire across her skin and with a whimper she pulled away from him long enough to lift her arms so he could slip the shirt over her head.  

When she pulled him back to her, the feel of her bare chest against his own was more than he could handle.  Without any more hesitation, he grabbed her hips and lifted her up.  Her legs immediately wrapped around his waist as he began to walk toward the bed on the other side of the room.  

His hands snaked around her back to grab onto her shoulders as he knelt on the bed and began to slowly lower her to its surface.  Her legs were still wrapped around him as his lips left hers to explore the newly exposed flesh before him.

She had forgotten what it felt like to have a man's hands on her body, to feel his mouth hot against her bare skin.  She had forgotten that heady feeling when desire took over her entire body and all she could focus on was the pleasure that she both received and gave.  She had forgotten what it was like to feel cherished, but with Bucky, she began to remember. 

For so many years, the only hands Bucky had felt on his body had been ones that had caused unspeakable pain.  He'd wondered if he would ever be able to stand having someone's hands on him again.  Steve had been careful with him, the occasional hand on his shoulder being the only contact he initiated.  (Y/N) didn't share Steve's hesitation when it came to touching him.  As much as he loved having his hands on her body, he loved the feel of hers on his even more.  He loved when her fingers ghosted over his skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake.  He loved when her nails raked down his back when the sensations he was eliciting in her were too much for her to handle.  He loved the way her fingers buried themselves in his hair, gripping the back of his head as he kissed her senseless.  But mostly, he loved the way she lazily drew circles across his chest as they lay curled up together in the afterglow of their lovemaking. 

"That was. . .," Bucky began.

"Amazing?" she interrupted.  "Earth shattering?  The best you've ever had?"

She had her head on his chest, so she felt the laughter vibrating in his chest before she heard it.

"Yeah," he answered.

She tilted her head up to meet his eyes.  "Which one?"

"All of them," he said as he leaned down to give her a quick kiss.  "Okay, I don't know about you, but I'm starving."

"Me too," she said as she craned her head to read the time on the digital clock by the bed.  "It's almost 2am, do you think anyone is still awake?"

He gave her a grin as he shook his head.  Reluctantly, she rose from the bed and started to look for something to wear.  She saw the red henley laying over the back of a chair and she just couldn't help herself.  The way the material stretched across his broad chest had featured heavily in the fantasies she would never admit to having.  She'd been dying to get her hands on it, and with a sultry wink toward Bucky, she slipped it over her head and started for the door.

"Th – that's all you're wearing?" Bucky asked as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants.

She looked down at the shirt which reached about mid-thigh on her and gave a shrug of her shoulders.  "It covers the essentials.  I doubt anyone else will be up anyway."

"What if they are?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper.

She turned back toward him and took his face in her hands.  "I'm not ashamed of this.  You shouldn't be ashamed of this."

"I'm not ashamed of you," he said.  "I just don't want anyone to get the wrong idea."

"And there's the gentleman from the 40s," she said with a quiet chuckle.  "I think it's sweet that you're looking out for my reputation, but I really don't care if everyone knows I just had the most mind-blowing sex of my life."

She thought it was sweet when he blushed and tried to duck his head.  She forced him to look her in the eye as she gave him one last kiss before leaving the room.

 

She was bent over, getting some cheese from one of the drawers in the refrigerator when she felt a cold finger run up the back of her thigh.  With a yelp, she stood straight up as Bucky's hands wrapped around her waist.  His lips began to leave a trail kisses down her neck and her eyes fluttered closed as a moan escaped her lips.

"You've got to be kidding me!"

(Y/N)'s eyes shot open to find Stark standing on the other side of the island with a disgusted look on his face.  Bucky immediately let go of her and she felt exposed and vulnerable without his arms around her.  

She looked down at Stark's hands to see him holding the folder Nat had put together yesterday.  Was it only yesterday that all of her secrets had come out? 

Stark slapped the folder down on the island and shot her an accusing glance.  "This is your history, right?  I would have assumed that you would know everything that's in this file."

(Y/N) was confused for a moment. Why was Stark acting like this?  "Yes, I know everything.  I've known for years. I don't understand. . ."

"You don't understand?" Stark asked, sarcasm dripping off of his words.  "You don't understand why I'm upset to find him with his hands all over you?"

She could feel Bucky tense up behind her and she reached back to grasp his hand, her fingers interlacing with his.  "Why do you care so much, Stark?"

"Why do I care?" Stark asked, his hands outstretched in disbelief.  "I took you in against my better judgment.  Fury and Coulson both vouched for you, but I just wasn't sure.  Then I read this and I thought, 'I finally understand.  She's just like me.' But now I see you, and I'm beginning to realize that you're not like me at all, you're just like him."

Her whole body tensed at Stark's accusation and she felt Bucky's hand squeeze around hers.  Needing no more encouragement, she finally gave the overstuffed peacock a piece of her mind.

"You're right," she agreed.  "I am more like him than you, but you know what?  I don't care.  I don't care if you like me, or if you can relate to me.  Do you know why?"  She didn't wait for a response, but continued to go on with her tirade.  "You walk around here like you're better than the rest of us, like you should be given an award for associating with the likes of us miscreants.  

"Yes, the Winter Soldier killed both of our parents and yes, it was a horrible thing to happen.  But it wasn't Bucky.  You're standing over there all self-righteous and acting disgusted at the thought that I would let him touch me, but I'll tell you this:  the things I did of my own free will were far worse than anything he ever did while he was brainwashed.  If anyone should be disgusted with me, it's him, but he's a better man than you and he understands what it's like to manipulated into doing things you know you shouldn't do."

Her chest was heaving as she struggled to draw breath into her lungs.  That speech had taken more out of her than she had thought it would.  Bucky pulled her back into his arms and she let herself be held by him, relying on his strength to hold her up.

"That's a beautiful little speech, (Y/N), but you're not fooling me," Stark said.  "Don't forget, it was only a few days ago that you were trying to get your new boy toy kicked off the team."


	14. Flashback

_4 Days Ago_  
She sat in the corner of her room, her legs drawn up into her chest and her face buried in her hands as she listened to the screams from down the hall.  Those screams always take her back to that day in the bank vault, to the day that her life changed forever.  For the past six months she's had to sit back and listen to those gut-wrenching screams again and again as the Witch dove deeper and deeper into his mind, looking for anything that might be of use to the team.  She knows that this time, the torture is his choice, but to her, the restraints of penitence are just as restricting as the ones that were made of steel.

She had seen him the day they'd brought him to the Tower for the first time, and her breath had caught in her throat when she'd saw the same vacant, confused look on his face.  She knew he wasn't ready for this, knew firsthand the torture that he'd endured, but she'd chosen to stay quiet, to protect herself from the cold, hateful looks that were sure to come her way should they ever learn the truth about her.

Her heart broke a little more each time they used him like this.  She wanted to storm in there and scream at them all for being so heartless.  Couldn't they see how much this was hurting him?  Couldn't they see that he only did this because he thought he deserved the pain?  How could Rogers let this continue?  Someone needed to stand up for him, even if he thought what he was doing was right.

She wanted to tell him the truth, tell him that he'd been the reason she'd turned on the only family she had left.  She wanted to tell him that she'd tried to do right by him, tried to fix things before they were irreplaceably broken.  She wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault.  But she didn't.  She stayed quiet and forced herself to listen to the screams, the screams that still to this day haunted her dreams.  His nightmares were loud and vicious.  Her's were just as vicious, she'd just learned to keep them quiet through years of practice.

She keep quiet for fear of how he would look at her if he knew.  He'd tried to befriend her, but she'd spurned him, scared that he would somehow remember her, scared that those kind, soulful eyes would turn cold and dark again when he realized that she was one of them.  She would watch him when she was sure no one was paying attention.  She loved to see the look of wonder in his eyes when he discovered some new technological wonder, or the look of glee when he understood some random pop culture reference someone made.  She had spent years perfecting her poker face, years building up her walls, but he was systematically tearing them down day by day and he didn't even know it.

The screams finally stopped and she let out the breath that she'd been holding for what had felt like hours.  Her face was wet from the tears that she'd shed, her heart aching as his mind was pushed to breaking point yet again.  She took a few moments to compose herself before she rose and went to wash her face.  She knew that FRIDAY would be calling her in for a briefing once Wanda had told Stark what new information she'd discovered buried in the recesses of his mind.

 

Once she was in the conference room, she had regained her calm façade and to the untrained eye, she looked as she always did; detached and cold.  Her eyes flitted from one team member to the next to hide the fact that she was focused on him.  He was pale, his eyes bloodshot, and his hand was still slightly shaking.  His breathing was shallow and he looked as though the smallest provocation would have him bolting back to his room.

She tried not to be angry at Wanda and Rogers.  She knew that they didn't do this to him on purpose.  They thought they were doing him a favor, but she knew better.  It was true that the information he provided was vital in taking down what was left of Hydra, but she knew the real reason why he had that information.  He knew of secret bases because someone needed the Soldier to take care of a problem.  Every new memory Wanda brought to the surface brought forth another victim that he would carry on his shoulders.  He was strong, but even the strongest of men have their breaking point, and she was scared he was reaching his.  She knew he'd never let them know, and she feared that one day, these little jaunts down memory lane would finally break his already fragile mind.  She'd made up her mind that if the opportunity ever arose, she would find someway to stop it, someway to spare him any more pain.  It was the least she could do.

When his breathing finally evened back out and color began to return to his face, she began to pay attention to the briefing.  Stark was droning on again about intel and possible threats.  By this point, they all knew what the game plan was.  They would go in, take out all of the agents, retrieve the intel, burn the place to the ground, and come home.  It was the same every single time, so she began to zone out again.  Her attention was brought back to the present when she heard her name.

"I think it should be me, Bucky, Nat, and (Y/N)," Rogers said.  "According to Buck, this is a small outpost, only about three or four men on guard.  The four of us can go in, take them out and get the intel, no problem.  We should be in and out in under ten minutes."

"If you think so, Steve," Stark said.  "Okay, you all heard the Captain.  You three get suited up, and the rest of us will enjoy a leisurely day out by the pool."

Sam gave a hoot as he rushed out of the room, presumably to change into his swim trunks.  She turned to Rogers with a questioning look, but all she got was a smile and a nod before he turned and left as well.  He'd never chosen her to go on a mission with him before, but she wasn't going to complain.   This was an opportunity for her to keep a closer eye on Bucky and she wasn't going to let it slip through her fingers.

The mission had been a complete disaster.  She'd known that eventually the team would be faced with this situation, but she'd hoped against hope that she would be proven wrong.  The small outpost had turned out to be a large underground facility with more than fifty agents.  The Quinjet had sustained damage from the camouflaged gun tower, but thankfully nothing too serious to ground them.  They'd been forced to split up and she'd ended up with Bucky as they searched blindly for the server banks.  

One of the agents had recognized Bucky, calling him солдат (Soldier), and she'd been momentarily distracted as she waited to see how he would react.  That had turned out to be a huge mistake as an agent crept up behind her intending on slitting her throat.  She'd noticed him just in time to shift her weight backwards to avoid the arc of the knife, but he managed to slice into her shoulder.  It wasn't a serious injury, but she was angry at herself for letting it happen.  She grabbed the knife from his hand and buried it in his throat before she took off around the corner.

Once they'd gathered the intel, she and Bucky had made it back to the jet with only a few skirmishes.  Most of the agents had scurried away like cockroaches once they'd realized who had come knocking at their door.  Nat had seen the blood dripping down her arm and insisted on bandaging her wound while Rogers fired a missile into the entrance of the base.  Bucky stood in the open cargo door and watched the base erupt in flames.  She wondered if he'd recognized the agent who'd called him солдат?  She wondered what nightmares would plague him tonight?

As they flew back to the Tower, she mentally outlined her plan.  It made her sick to think of what she was about to do, but she'd seen the look in his eye when he'd heard that filth speak to him.  If she had to cause him a moment's pain to spare him a lifetime's worth, wouldn't the means justify the end?  She knew that this would be the final nail in her coffin, that she would never be able to come back from this decision, but she was determined to save him from himself.

 

"I warned you that something like this would eventually happen," she told the team in the conference room.  "We can't trust the intel Wanda is pulling out of his mind."

"(Y/N)," Rogers pleaded.  "It was one time. . ."

"One time that almost got us all killed!" she yelled.  "Some of his intel is decades old, and can we really trust what comes out of his mind?  We all know it's been through the blender a few too many times."

Stark's eyebrows shot up in surprise.  "I know you're not his biggest fan, but don't you think you're being a bit harsh?"

"I almost got my throat sliced open because he was taking a trip down memory lane," she said, hating herself for every word that came out of her mouth.

"What are you talking about?" Nat asked.

"You're not going to say anything?" (Y/N) asked Bucky.  "You're not even going to try to defend yourself?"  She waited a few moments and when he said nothing, she continued.  "One of his old pals recognized him, called him by name and he just froze.  He was supposed to have been watching my back, but we all know that didn't happen.  We're lucky to be alive right now, no thanks to him."

When he turned and walked away without saying a word, a sharp pain pierced through her chest as a piece of her soul died.  All she wanted to do was break down and cry, to run after him and beg him to forgive her.  She needed his forgiveness more than she needed air.  She was suffocating from the guilt that weighed her down, but she was too much of a coward to change it.  It was better than he hate for this than to learn the truth and despise her forever.


	15. Chapter 15

_Previously:_

_Part 13  
Her chest was heaving as she struggled to draw breath into her lungs.  That speech had taken more out of her than she had thought it would.  Bucky pulled her back into his arms and she let herself be held by him, relying on his strength to hold her up._

_"That's a beautiful little speech, (Y/N), but you're not fooling me," Stark said.  "Don't forget, it was only a few days ago that you were trying to get your new boy toy kicked off the team."_

 

She felt Bucky stiffen behind her and she'd never wanted to kill a man more than she'd wanted to kill Tony Stark right now.  She knew she had to do damage control quickly, or she could risk losing him forever.

She turned around so that she could face Bucky as she began to speak.  "You know the truth about me now, but you don't know it all."  She took a deep breath before she began again.  "I know that I've been horrible to you for the past six months, but I only did it to protect you."

"This is rich," Stark said with a chuckle.

"Shut up, Stark," (Y/N) said over her shoulder.  Taking Bucky's hands in hers she continued to explain.  "I saw the pain you were going through every time Wanda pulled out a new memory." Squeezing her eyes shut to stop the torrent of tears, she choked back a sob.  "I couldn't bear to hear your screams, to know that you were suffering because of the guilt you felt.  I wanted to tell you, but I never thought you could forgive me for being a part of Hydra.  I tried to lay the blame on the last mission on you so that they would stop hurting you.  I just wanted to you to find some peace."

She heard Stark began to say something, but he was interrupted by Natasha as she walked out of the shadows.  "You're going to want to keep your mouth shut, Tony."

Not listening to Nat, he opened his mouth to speak again, only be to silenced yet again.  

"Shut up, Tony, before you say something else you can't take back.  You know I love you, but (Y/N) is right.  You have a superiority complex and it's getting pretty old.  There's only a handful of this team that can say they've never done anything wrong.  I grew up in the Red Room, killed people before I even hit puberty, Wanda was manipulated by both Hydra and Ultron, and let's not forget Clint.  How many SHIELD agents did he kill while he was under Loki's control?  Most of us have red in our ledger, but we're all here, Tony.  We're all trying to make it right, and God knows, you don't make that easy for us.  You sit behind your multi-million dollar desk in your Tom Ford suits and try to pretend that your company wasn't supplying arms to terrorists for years.  You're so willing to throw blame on the rest of us, but you fail to see that you're just as guilty."

(Y/N) had turned back around and she could see Stark's jaw clenching and his nostrils flaring as Nat raked him over the coals.  Anger was rolling over him in waves and she could see that he was looking for some way, any way to lash out.

"Tell me how you really feel, ladies," he quipped as he looked toward Bucky.  "You've been pretty quiet this whole time, Barnes.  Nothing you want to add?"

Bucky shook his head.  "I think (Y/N) and Natasha said everything that needed to be said.  Now if you'll excuse us, (Y/N) and I have a few more things to discuss. . .in private."

Bucky grabbed the food with one hand and laced his fingers with hers again as he began to lead her back to his room.  

"Stop," Stark said with a sigh as his head dropped down to his chest.

(Y/N) looked at Bucky and Nat, confusion written all over each of their faces as they waited to hear what he was going to say next.

Stark looked up and met (Y/N)'s eye.  "I like you, kid, I always have.  Coulson and Fury didn't tell me much about you, but what they did say led me to believe that you were worth the risk."   He stopped to point at Bucky.  "Him?  I never wanted to see him again in this lifetime, but Rogers insisted.  I used the intel he gave us without ever really considering how we got it, but now I'm seeing things in a different light."  

He looked down at his sleeve, pulling at the edges to distract himself.  "My therapist says that I need to work on forgiving people. I think I pay her too much, but that's beside the point."  He looked back up at (Y/N) with a somber expression on his face.  "You're a part of this team.  You both are.  Natasha's right, we've all got skeletons in our closets and if you all can overlook mine, then I should be a big enough man to overlook yours as well."

"I know it's not easy, Tony," (Y/N) said, using his name for the first time.  "It's never going to be easy, but if we don't work together, then they win.  I can't let them win, not anymore, but I also can't stand to see us killing ourselves to make it right.  We have to find a way to do this without causing ourselves any more pain, without letting guilt control our lives."

Tony gave her a nod and turned back toward his office.  Nat patted (Y/N)'s shoulder as she went to follow him.  "He probably shouldn't be alone right now."

(Y/N) looked back toward Bucky as he leaned down to kiss her forehead.  Her hand still in his, he continued leading her back to his room.  Pulling her toward the bed, he sat against the headboard and waited until she had sat next to him.

"I have found peace, (Y/N).  I've found peace with you."

"I've found peace with you as well," she said shaking her head in disbelief.  "I thought after Conner that I had lost a piece of myself, that I would never be able to trust myself to open up to anyone again.  Knowing that my uncle was able to manipulate me so easily made me doubt everything about myself, but knowing that you can forgive me, that you accept me despite all of my flaws, it gives me hope."

Bucky grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him.  "I know all about guilt and flaws, doll.  I've read your entire life history, just like you've read mine.  I know that deep down you're a good woman who was lied to and manipulated by a man you should have been able to trust.  Knowing that you willing left to try and stop him from killing even more innocent people says a lot about you."  He stopped for a moment to take a deep breath.  "I hate that he used me to help further manipulate you. . ."

"Don't," she interrupted.  "Don't even go there.  No one else here has ever seen what they put you through, but I have.  You have to stop blaming yourself for the things you did under their control."

"So do you, (Y/N)."

She turned away from him and buried her head in her shoulder, her emotions getting the better of her.  "I'm trying, Bucky.  I'm fighting so hard to forgive myself, but these demons in my past won't leave me alone."

"I know a thing or two about fighting demons.  I've been lucky enough to have Steve to help me through it, but he doesn't fully understand.  You get it though.  You've been on the other side, you know what it's like to fight for your life.  Let me be there for you, let me help you."

"I'll let you be there for me if you let me be there for you," she bargained as she looked back up at him.  "We can remind one another that we're still alive."

_He leaned down and brushed his lips over hers.  "We're still alive."_

_If you could see me on the other side_

_You might find me fighting for my life_

But I'm still alive

 

~ The End ~


End file.
